What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 23.06.2025 00:29
I was 9 years of age.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
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One cannot hold on to bitterness.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Was Adam white or black (African)?
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I write beautiful poetry .
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
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And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
But, we were locked up after school.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
My ex moved on so fast. How can I overcome the pain?
He knew the spot.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Comes on , in middle age.
She wouldn,t have been !
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
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Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
So, i spoilt her more .
Quae illo minus voluptatum fugiat ea quaerat qui.
Why did i forgive my father ?
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
They are buried together, in the same grave..
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Especially a lifetime of it.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
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But it wasn’t much.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Can a cop pull you over walking home asking why you are out so late?
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Ive learnt so much.
How many trans people are lawful gun owners?
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I couldn’t, believe it.
He resisted the act ,that day.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I will be 64.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
So whats the point in blame.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Was to survive, this bastard.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I was very sick at this time too.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
It was going to be , some day.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
She was in good health!
As i do to all so called friends.?
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
She married twice! .
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I was seconnd youngest,
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
And i lived it daily.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I waited trembling.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
My life is so biszare .
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Who then, do I blame.?
Im still living with it.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I never cut or harmed myself..
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
My family never makes their pension either.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
But ive been too sick for many years..
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
She loved him until the end.
I was scared of men, in general
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
She found it foreign!.
I don,t even have a pension.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
All the time i was locked up.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Would this be the day?
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
What did i know ?
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I said to her
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
This is soul school!.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I think the readers, may guess!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I could never make a relationship work though!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
One cannot live in the past .
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
When she asked me how she looked .
I have no regrets .
We were not on the streets..
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
We all went to grammer schools
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Put me off passion for life!!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
(And it was in our own minds.)
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!